A few weeks ago, I went live on Facebook for the very first time. I would love to tell you that I confidently pressed the button without a second thought, but that would be far from the truth. My heart was racing. I was worried about forgetting what I wanted to say, sounding foolish or simply having nobody watch at all.

Afterwards, however, I realised something rather important. At 38 years old, after years of teaching, running a business and speaking publicly, I still worry about getting things wrong. The difference now is that experience has taught me something incredibly valuable: mistakes are how we learn.

Nobody learns to drive without stalling the car, becomes a successful entrepreneur without making poor decisions, becomes a confident parent without moments of uncertainty or learns to speak publicly without feeling awkward and nervous at first.

As adults, we accept this reality. In fact, many of us can look back and recognise that some of our greatest periods of growth came directly after our greatest mistakes. Which makes me wonder whether we are unintentionally teaching children the opposite message. Have we accidentally raised a generation that is afraid of failure?

The Child Who Is Afraid to Get It Wrong

Over the years, I have worked with hundreds of young people, and I have increasingly noticed a worrying trend. I see children who would rather remain silent than risk giving the wrong answer, repeatedly rub out their work because it is not perfect or become visibly distressed after making even the smallest mistake. I even see children who avoid trying altogether because they fear making a mistake.

These are often bright, capable and thoughtful young people. Their challenge is not usually one of ability. More often than not, it is confidence. Parents tell me stories of children who used to love learning but now seem anxious about school. They describe children who become upset over one incorrect answer or who refuse to attempt something new unless they are certain they will succeed.

Increasingly, I hear phrases such as:

"They've stopped believing in themselves."

"They're terrified of getting things wrong."

"They won't even try anymore."

This is not a lack of intelligence. It is a lack of confidence.

When Did Mistakes Become So Dangerous?

I do not believe children today are weaker or less resilient than previous generations. Instead, I wonder whether we have unintentionally created environments where mistakes feel increasingly dangerous.

The modern education system is under immense pressure. Schools are judged on results. Teachers are held accountable for progress. Children are assessed more frequently than ever before. None of this comes from bad intentions. Everyone involved wants children to succeed. However, one unintended consequence is that mistakes can begin to feel high-stakes.

Children quickly become aware of who is in the top set and who is not. They compare test scores and predicted grades. They become increasingly conscious of where they sit in relation to their peers. For some children, particularly those who are already anxious or neurodivergent, mistakes can begin to feel like evidence that they are somehow failing as a person. Over time, learning becomes less about curiosity and more about performance. Getting something wrong no longer feels like part of the process. Instead, it feels like proof that they are not good enough.

Confidence Comes From Surviving Failure

One of the greatest misconceptions we have about confidence is that confident people rarely fail. The truth is actually the opposite; confident people fail repeatedly.

The difference is that they have learned they can survive it. Think about the adults you admire. Business owners, leaders, athletes and authors have all experienced setbacks, disappointments and mistakes. Businesses fail. Presentations go wrong. Relationships break down. Projects do not work. 

Yet these experiences often become our greatest teachers. Mistakes provide feedback. Failure provides perspective. Discomfort creates growth. As adults, we understand this. We even celebrate it. Entire books and podcasts are dedicated to lessons learned through failure. Businesses encourage innovation and experimentation, often using phrases such as "fail fast" and "learn quickly."

Yet when it comes to children, we sometimes communicate a very different message: Get it right. Do well. Perform. Avoid mistakes. I increasingly wonder what impact this is having on young people.

The Rise of Perfectionism

Children today are growing up in a world that often leaves little room for imperfection. Social media presents carefully curated versions of success. Young people are exposed to images of perfect friendships, perfect bodies and perfect achievements. Comparison has become constant. At the same time, many children have fewer opportunities for independent risk-taking than previous generations. There is less unsupervised play, fewer Saturday jobs and fewer opportunities to make mistakes away from the watchful eyes of adults.

Of course, all of this comes from love. Parents want to protect their children. Schools want children to succeed. Society wants young people to be safe. But perhaps, in trying to protect children from failure, we have accidentally prevented them from learning how to cope with it. Because resilience is not built through comfort. It is built through experience.

Why This Matters Even More for SEND Young People

This conversation becomes even more important when we think about children with additional needs. Many autistic young people experience significant perfectionism and can become highly distressed by mistakes. Many children with ADHD experience rejection sensitivity and can take criticism or failure extremely personally. Young people who have struggled academically may already carry a deep belief that they are somehow behind their peers.

Many of the families I work with are not dealing with a lack of ability. They are dealing with a lack of confidence. A child who has repeatedly experienced difficulty can become understandably risk-averse. Why put your hand up if previous experiences have led to embarrassment? Why attempt something challenging if you have learned to expect failure? Why engage if you no longer believe success is possible?

Behaviour often makes much more sense when viewed through this lens. Sometimes what appears to be laziness is actually fear; what appears to be disengagement is actually anxiety, and what appears to be defiance is simply self-protection. The child is not avoiding learning. They are avoiding failure.

Adults Learn Through Mistakes. Why Not Children?

Imagine applying the same expectations to adults that we sometimes place upon children; expecting someone to learn to drive without ever stalling the car, an entrepreneur to build a successful business without making poor decisions or a parent to get everything right the first time. It sounds ridiculous because we instinctively understand that adults learn through experience. We expect mistakes. We almost welcome them. Yet children are often given a different message. I wonder what might happen if we changed that.

What if children regularly heard adults say:

"I made that mistake too."

"I still get things wrong now."

"I was nervous."

"I failed at that."

Children learn far more from what we model than from what we say. If adults panic about mistakes, children will too. If adults avoid risks, children will notice. But if adults demonstrate that failure is survivable, children begin to internalise a different message.

Redefining Success

Perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can give young people is not protection from failure, but confidence that they can recover from it. Because life will inevitably involve setbacks. Exam results will not always go to plan. Friendships will change. Applications will be rejected. Jobs will be lost. Plans will not work out.

The young people who thrive are not necessarily those who avoid failure altogether. They are often the ones who have learned how to respond to it. Perhaps, instead of asking ourselves how we can stop children from failing, we should be asking:

How do we help children become more comfortable with failure?

How do we create environments where mistakes are viewed as opportunities rather than threats? How do we help children understand that their worth is not determined by their performance? How do we teach them that success is rarely a straight line?

Final Thoughts: Failure Is Not the Opposite of Success

Every adult reading this can probably identify moments in their own lives where mistakes became turning points. Often, the things that shaped us the most were not our successes but our failures. The business idea that did not work, the interview we did not get or the relationship that ended. The risk taught us something valuable. Maybe childhood should be no different.

Children do not become resilient by avoiding discomfort. They become resilient by moving through it. Children do not become confident by getting everything right. They become confident by discovering that they are still okay when things go wrong.

Failure is not the opposite of success. More often than not, it is part of the journey towards it. Mistakes are how adults learn. Perhaps it is time we allowed children to learn in the same way.